Courtly Love Then & Marriage Now

We know that there are thirty-one rules laid out under the so-called "art" of courtly love. I'm not a historian, and I definitely don't play one on TV (I'm an English major for a reason!), but I want to assume that the general population knew about this courtly love thing that was going on. These are rules set for men pursuing an affair with married women. So my major questions are: Did those knights have nothing better to do? Wasn't there crusading to get to? Couldn't they woo unmarried women? Were husbands aware when their wives were being pursued, and if so did they do or say anything? How often did these courtly relationships really result in a physical relationship? To me, the whole thing is just

Those are the thoughts that run through my head when I consider what courtly love truly was. I noticed something that intrigued me as I was reading through the rules. Something only a few in our group will understand through experience: the rules apply to modern marriage. Here the definition of modern marriage is the union of a happy couple with true love and little animosity between them. Stick with me for a moment; I'm not crazy.

I. Marriage is no real excuse for not loving. In short: there is adultery, and divorces* occur because one or both parties feel differently than when the marriage began. I don't have any personal experience with this one, but it's pretty evident for anyone who has paid attention over the last decade or two. *I realize this isn't always the case, but it is common enough to apply it to the rule.

IV. It is well known that love is always increasing or decreasing. I'm going to be honest, y'all. There are days when my love for my husband is almost nonexistent. He can do or say things that I just cannot believe and the roller coaster car plunges down the hill. I'm going to spare you the Rom-Com details, but just know that there are days when that car climbs back up the hill and sits at the top for weeks afterward. Sometimes there are even loops, when both are felt within a short period of time! Do you want to know the secrets about this crazy roller coaster? It is never-ending and married couples know all about it.

VIII. No one should be deprived of love without the very best of reasons. Okay, so this may be stretching it a bit, but this is how my brain works. I see this directly relating to rule IV. When we go down that hill, losing a little bit of love with every foot descended, you can rest assured there is a good reason for it. I'm not going to push myself off the peak and enjoy the ride down just because I can.

X. Love is always a stranger in the home of avarice. Rarely in modern matrimony is the bond made in pursuit of wealth. The global economy doesn't allow for it, and we as a people of the twenty-first century are almost obsessed with love (the obsession could fill a book by itself).

XII. A true lover does not desire to embrace in love anyone except his beloved. The operative word here is true. I mentioned adultery with rule I, and it applies to this rule as well. I think it's self-explanatory here that if you truly love someone, there shouldn't be any desire for another person. While the rule references the male in the relationship, it applies to either sex in our time.

XIII. When made public love rarely endures. Obviously we're not talking about marriage here, but that relationship has to start somewhere right? When my husband and I met, we worked together. Relationships were not forbidden, but there were certain rules. We broke one over the first few months of our relationship, but we didn't let anyone know we were dating at the time. Had we been found out, we might not be where we are today.

XV. Every lover regularly turns pale in the presence of his beloved.

XVI. When a lover suddenly catches sight of his beloved his heart palpitates. "Puppy love," as it's called by parents of young adults, causes what some call silly physical reactions. When true love persists and results in a marriage, these things still occur. Over time the moments are not as frequent as they were in the beginning, but they are regular enough to prove the love is still alive.

XXII. Jealously, and therefore love, are increased when one suspects his beloved. Jealously occurring when one is suspicious is natural and easily understood. The increase of love, however, when one is suspicious is difficult to put into words. The best way I can think of to explain is it is the fight or flight response. The additional love is the emotional equivalent to the fight response; no one wants to lose their spouse and love them more to prevent the loss from happening.

XXIII. He whom the thought of love vexes eats and sleeps very little. Ah, that sudden onset of love. When a person can do little more than think of the person they have fallen for. It doesn't always stop just because he put a ring on it.

XXV. A true lover considers nothing good except what he thinks will please his beloved. I may have just gotten lucky here, but I'm not sure because I have nothing else to compare it to. My husband is always thinking of me and surprising me with things he knows I will love or enjoy. I do the same for him. We rarely ever fault from this. 

XXX. A true lover is constantly and without intermission possessed by the thought of his beloved. Have you ever had a conversation with a married person, male or female? If you have think about it - I can almost guarantee you that at one point during that conversation they have mentioned their spouse. A married person does almost everything with their partner, and can find something in any scenery that is a reminder of them. Even in the busiest of moments in life, the mind rarely wanders from the true love.

The rules above were formed with affairs and adultery in mind. They were meant to protect men who were looking for love from the consequences of being caught. It's now eight-ish centuries later and we can still find connections to our medieval roots and ancestors in their words. It is fascinating how words can be written to mean one thing but be interpreted in a different way. So Guinevere can stay in her time period with her Arthur and Lancelot drama. I am going to stick with my time period's belief and keep just one man for both.