This Woman Just Wants Food

Because however bad we are within,

We want to be thought wise and free from sin.

(Lines 943-944)

            

Although I’ve read Chaucer’s “The Wife of Bath’s Tale” before, I had no idea it was inspired by Gower’s “The Tale of Florent.” Whoever had this copy of Nine Medieval Romances of Magic before me marked up Chaucer’s tale quite remarkably…no pun intended. He or she definitely loved to highlight and color code, so I didn’t have to read Gower’s tale (or even the little introduction) to discover and analyze the similarities and differences between the two. I have to say, I’m kind of glad Chaucer added the rape because it creates a more interesting story, even if “more interesting” includes the fact that there’s a “happy ever after” for the rapist knight in the end. Let me emphasize this a little more in case Chaucer didn’t hear me in his grave: YOU GAVE THE RAPIST KNIGHT A HAPPY EVER AFTER DUDE.  WHY? I understand that a male raping a female is relevant to the hierarchy of the sexes that practically produces women’s desire for power, but I’ve still always hated it about the tale, so I’m excited to read “The Tale of Florent” and pretend the rape never happens. Anyways, there’s nothing else about the tale I have to complain about it. I was a little shaken up when I read that King Arthur’s court didn’t have a feast because, you know, that’s what King Arthur’s court does best, but that’s exactly what makes the absence of a feast especially significant, so I get it. I just wanted a feast. Food is the answer to the riddle, guys.

 The concept of a male trying to find out what a woman wants in general is classic, and Chaucer writes the search as a literal quest, which is rather humorous to me. I mean, I’m imagining a medieval man, post-argument with his wife, posed like “The Thinker,” and the thought bubble above his head is like, “What do these women F*CKING WANT? SOS.” Jump cut: he hops on his noble steed and rides off into the countryside. There’s a music overlay as he inquires far and wide about the answer. In the end, his wife just wants him to let her on top more… Come on, guys, that’s hilarious.

 I’m curious to see how other people interpret the old, ugly woman the knight meets because, to me, the riddle has no single answer if every woman the knight speaks to desires something different. I think the desire for sovereignty is unique to the hag, even though “no woman, wife, or maid, or widow” contradicts the knight when he gives it to King Arthur as the answer. I think the hag strips herself of any actual power when she asks, “Then have I got the upper hand, since I may choose and govern as I say?” Then, she only becomes both fair and good because her husband gives her permission to choose between ugly and good or fair and (possibly) bad, which is just so nice of him that her magic unlocks the options for her - I guess. Girl, you say power is what you want most. No one ever said that power had to be granted to you by a man. Are we to assume that a woman can only obtain power if a man gives it to her? (For Christ’s sake, Word (2010) won’t even let me type that last sentence with the female pronoun before the male pronoun. I’m pissed.) Seriously, where’s the tale where a woman takes power away from a man without his permission?

"The Wife of Bath's Tale" in Nine Medieval Romances of Magic by Marijane Osborn.

Oh No He Didn't!

First things first, don't get it twisted. I LOVE "The Wife if Bath's Tale". She's my favorite character in the Canterbury Tales BY FAR. She's a strong, independent woman who works her sexuality and femininity. Girlfriend has got it going on!

Focusing on her tale for a minute, though. I've read this before in British Lit and I must have been a walking zombie in that class during this discussion because DAMN, we have our own Stanford Rape Case!! He's everyone's bro and he's hot and he's a bad ass knight. I get it. However, Boyfriend straight up violates a woman (*ahem* NOT OKAY *ahem*). There's a big broo-haha about it, rightly so. But can someone please explain to me why all these courtly ladies are defending his ass? I'm supposing the punishment for a gentleman to rape a maiden is death, since that was going to happen. But all of these chicks gather up in arms to save him. Ladies, he is not worth saving!! He did one of the most horrible things a person can do. Off with his head, I say! I don't care if he's King Arthur's top dog, a great lay, and richer than Midas. Nope nope NOPE. Bye, Felicia!

Can I also mention that I kinda like Queen G in this story? And how ironic it is that she's the one who  sets him on this quest? This chick doesn't even know what SHE wants half the time and the fact that she sends a man to practically do the impossible is so in tune with her character. She still should have killed him, but that's neither here nor there. I'm just salty. 

I'm so pissed that he gets off. Literally. What does he get for rape? A years vacation and a hot wife who will stay true to him. What did that young girl get? Where's her knight in shining armor? Where's her Happily Ever After? Who is going to want her now that she's not a virgin? 

And the Magic-HooHahcomes back again. Of course he will now love his wife because she chooses to be beautiful and faithful to him. Of course that makes everything all better!! Why am I not surprised!?Wifey is a freaking fairy and she can make him miserable! Why does everyone like this guy?!? 

Ugh... Now I'm pissed off.

Let's Play a Game

Okay, I want to talk about Guinevere because I've read this story before, and I'm most fascinated with the queen's character. I’ve read quite a few stories about Queen Guinevere, and her character never changes too much. She usually represents a pretty powerful female role – one that makes decisions and takes action – so it surprises me that King Arthur asks her to be passive and that Mélégant so easily takes her back to his land as his prisoner in “The Knight of the Cart.” Guinevere doesn’t even put up a fight! To me, this weakens her character. Whether she likes being held hostage and used as man-bait or simply got tired of being badass, Guinevere goes from queen to damsel in distress too quick.

It also irritates me that Guinevere’s character becomes so cold towards Lancelot when he first comes to Gorre to save her, but in some ways, her coldness also shows me that she’s still a little badass inside. She’s the damsel, and he’s the hero, but Guinevere isn’t ready for her “happily ever after.” Somehow, she knows Lancelot hesitated to ride in the dwarf’s cart in the beginning of the story. Omniscience is badass. (That’s right, boys. Women know everything. Women have always known everything.) Perhaps she wants Lancelot to understand that there’s nothing more shameful than thinking twice about love…

OR maybe Queen Guinevere is secretly Queen Drama who is obsessed with creating high-energy, tense, life-or-death situations.  Guinevere lets Lancelot fight Mélégant when he accuses her of sleeping with Kay. It’s not worth pointing out, since I never read a truly logical story for one of Dr. MB’s classes, but the logic behind this accusation is…well, stupid. Nonetheless, Guinevere watches Lancelot do her dirty work for her…for the second time. I guess I can’t blame her for just wanting to watch Lancelot sweat, but why does she ask him to lose the fight until he’s losing; then, she asks him to win? It’s like Guinevere is playing a game the entire story – a game that she thinks will either prove or disprove Lancelot’s love for her, but she has to know he loves her the entire time. To Guinevere, there is no proof or disproof of love unless she denotes it as such.

Yup, this is how I view Guinevere.

"The Knight of the Cart" by Chrétien de Troyes.

What is HAPPENING!?

Guys, I'm legit confused...

I totally understand the beginning of the story, although some things are just too weird and are not really realistic. I mean, if a dude walked up to me and said that he had a bunch of people as his prisoners and there wasn't anything I would do about it, I wouldn't just say "Meh.. you're right!" and move on! Come on, Arthur! Get your shit together! Be a king and whoop some ass!

What I'm confused about is Lancelot's little tryst in the woods.

So he and Gawain come across a lady in the woods. Totally got it there.

She tells them to pick a path. They do. Got that, too.

Lancelot gets to his path totally consumed with Love. (But, um... Who is he in love with? Queen G?)

He duels. He wins. Lady in the woods comes back and says, "Hey Mr. Sexy Knight! If you let this guy live and grant him mercy, I'll repay you with something you'll like very much *wink wink*" (AHEM, I think she means the Hoo-Hah here)

BUT THEN!! Good ol' Lance "realized who she was from her statement" and Lady "was ashamed and embarrassed to think he might have recognized her"

Sooo...... Who is she? Queen G? Some mysterious fairy woman? WHO!?

She says, "Hey, I'll give you my Hoo-Hah" and he says:

But she's like, "Take my Hoo-Hah!!" and he says "Alright, chill. I'll do it but I'm not happy about it"

Then Lady almost gets raped... Then somehow wants to have the sex with Lance afterwards.

She becomes super needy throughout their journey, and a tad bit shady.

Then after a while, Lance goes to fight King M. for Queen G.

BUT I STILL DON'T KNOW WHO THE LADY IS!!!!

I feel like there is this whole backstory about Lance and Queen G. and this mysterious lady that I'm just not privy too and it's pissing me off. Like, I want to know all the dirty details about what's going on but I feel like I'm missing a huge chunk of the story. I KNEW I should have taken Dr. MB's  Arthurian class! 

I'm not off to a good start with this story. Hopefully it will get better but for now:

Never Judge a Beast by His Body

Wouldn't it have been great to be an intellectually advanced, rational man in the twelfth century, able to convince your wife that you actually become a werewolf on the days you sneak away to your lover's chambers?

Bisclavret's wife admits she's hesitant to question him specifically because she fears his anger, even though he is convincingly calm and sweet when she admits this - so convincingly that she announces, "...now I'm cured!" Let's keep in mind, the only thing she's questioning are his whereabouts over the course of three days...that's about half a week! She should be the angry one! However, I can't blame the girl. She's only trying to foreshadow the fact that half of him physically becomes a beast.

When she finally does ask, Bisclavret says, "'I become a werewolf: I go off into the great forest, in the thickest part of the woods, and I live on the prey I hunt down,'" (and how does he say he goes? Stark naked? Yeah, I'm sure you do, bud. Your side babe probably finds the werewolf fantasy sexy too.)

Bisclavret's wife responds to the apparent truth that her husband becomes a werewolf on the days he is missing without surprise; she expresses no shock or amazement that her husband does this. It's as if it's normal for people to become werewolves, and perhaps, to her, it is. Either way, her only response is to further question him - this time, on the whereabouts of his clothes. At this point, Bisclavret had already declared, "'There's nothing you could want to know that, if I knew the answer, I wouldn't tell you.'" Hence, he reveals the location of his clothes as well. It's after this truth that the wife expresses "fear" or "terror" for "the whole adventure," or the whole idea of her husband in physical beast mode. (She doesn't even want to sleep with his savage ass.) Wait...I thought the only thing she had to fear was his anger? WAIT...the beast is the anger. The husband's physical werewolf state is the symbolic representation of actual, emotional anger, which Bisclavret doesn't express at all until his wife betrays him. The wife fails to separate the physical world from the emotional one. She immediately decides to telephone a new lover, but I don't know why. Is she getting even?

The wife's betrayal seals Bisclavret in his lean, mean werewolf body forever, just like he says it would. However, the king and his court recognize that Bisclavret may look like a beast, but his mind is still human. His gratitude toward the king and his court for protecting him makes sense, and his anger towards his wife and her new husband also makes sense. I'm glad there was a handy-dandy wise man to speak up for this sense in defense of Bisclavret by informing the king that there must be a reason why the beast is nice to everyone except two specific people. 

At this point in the poem, my little cheating metaphor falls apart entirely and it becomes clear that this lai is more about fear, anger, and mistrust than anything. The poem ends with the only punishment worse than death for this wife: banishment and a noseless lineage. Fine, but...is this nose thing supposed to be humurous? I agree that it would stink (no pun intended) to live without a nose, but it can't possibly have any significance, can it?

The Lais of Marie de France. Translated, with an introduction and notes, by Robert Hanning and Joan Ferrante. (1978)

Love or Sex?

Back at it again with a blog post! 

I fail to see with every lais that we've read so far what love has to do with anything. To me, and this shouldn't be a surprise to anyone who knows me, it seems like the word love is just a more respectable and accepted way to say sex back in these good ol' days.

For most of us general plebeians, love doesn't hit us with a glance or with a rumor of perfection. It happens usually over time and grows throughout the wonderful and romantic dating process. Sure, there's some sexy times thrown in there for some added excitement and fun. But love doesn't come straight from looks or renown.

What has been irritating me about these lais is that it just seems like love is interchangeable with sex. Or maybe, not even sex. How about lust? 

When Lanval looks upon his Lady Lurve (<-- alliteration, kids!) it seems like he is just so happy that a hot girl noticed him and wants to offer up her Magic Hoo-Hah that he just goes with it. Duh. That's not surprising. But to go so far as to call his sexual urges for this chick love? Nah, brah. 

There's a term for this type of love in young adult novels and even romance novels (my personal fave!) and that is insta-love. Let me tell you, that crap is ANNOYING. That does not happen in real life. I want to see the push/pull dynamic. The struggle to come to terms with each other's real feelings. I want some emotion, dammit! I don't want some fluffy, cheesy, sickly-sweet romance that isn't believable. Make me believe in your love! 

It's to the point where if I see a woman say, "I love him so much!" All I think about is what she's providing him in between the sheets. Yeah, honey, you "loved" him all right! 

Lanval, himself, even says "If it pleased you, if such joy might be mine that you would love me, there is nothing you might command within my power, that I would not do." He wants the Magic Hoo-Hah and he'll do anything to get it. Typical. Further along, the poem even states, "He lay beside her on the bed; now Lanval is well cared for." YES. HE. IS. Get it, Lanval!

Maybe I'm missing a key element here or I'm just thinking too much into it. But with all of these stories, I'm not seeing what I think of love. I'm seeing this knock-off version liked by people who want to talk about the sexy-times but are too scared.