Oh No He Didn't!

First things first, don't get it twisted. I LOVE "The Wife if Bath's Tale". She's my favorite character in the Canterbury Tales BY FAR. She's a strong, independent woman who works her sexuality and femininity. Girlfriend has got it going on!

Focusing on her tale for a minute, though. I've read this before in British Lit and I must have been a walking zombie in that class during this discussion because DAMN, we have our own Stanford Rape Case!! He's everyone's bro and he's hot and he's a bad ass knight. I get it. However, Boyfriend straight up violates a woman (*ahem* NOT OKAY *ahem*). There's a big broo-haha about it, rightly so. But can someone please explain to me why all these courtly ladies are defending his ass? I'm supposing the punishment for a gentleman to rape a maiden is death, since that was going to happen. But all of these chicks gather up in arms to save him. Ladies, he is not worth saving!! He did one of the most horrible things a person can do. Off with his head, I say! I don't care if he's King Arthur's top dog, a great lay, and richer than Midas. Nope nope NOPE. Bye, Felicia!

Can I also mention that I kinda like Queen G in this story? And how ironic it is that she's the one who  sets him on this quest? This chick doesn't even know what SHE wants half the time and the fact that she sends a man to practically do the impossible is so in tune with her character. She still should have killed him, but that's neither here nor there. I'm just salty. 

I'm so pissed that he gets off. Literally. What does he get for rape? A years vacation and a hot wife who will stay true to him. What did that young girl get? Where's her knight in shining armor? Where's her Happily Ever After? Who is going to want her now that she's not a virgin? 

And the Magic-HooHahcomes back again. Of course he will now love his wife because she chooses to be beautiful and faithful to him. Of course that makes everything all better!! Why am I not surprised!?Wifey is a freaking fairy and she can make him miserable! Why does everyone like this guy?!? 

Ugh... Now I'm pissed off.

What is HAPPENING!?

Guys, I'm legit confused...

I totally understand the beginning of the story, although some things are just too weird and are not really realistic. I mean, if a dude walked up to me and said that he had a bunch of people as his prisoners and there wasn't anything I would do about it, I wouldn't just say "Meh.. you're right!" and move on! Come on, Arthur! Get your shit together! Be a king and whoop some ass!

What I'm confused about is Lancelot's little tryst in the woods.

So he and Gawain come across a lady in the woods. Totally got it there.

She tells them to pick a path. They do. Got that, too.

Lancelot gets to his path totally consumed with Love. (But, um... Who is he in love with? Queen G?)

He duels. He wins. Lady in the woods comes back and says, "Hey Mr. Sexy Knight! If you let this guy live and grant him mercy, I'll repay you with something you'll like very much *wink wink*" (AHEM, I think she means the Hoo-Hah here)

BUT THEN!! Good ol' Lance "realized who she was from her statement" and Lady "was ashamed and embarrassed to think he might have recognized her"

Sooo...... Who is she? Queen G? Some mysterious fairy woman? WHO!?

She says, "Hey, I'll give you my Hoo-Hah" and he says:

But she's like, "Take my Hoo-Hah!!" and he says "Alright, chill. I'll do it but I'm not happy about it"

Then Lady almost gets raped... Then somehow wants to have the sex with Lance afterwards.

She becomes super needy throughout their journey, and a tad bit shady.

Then after a while, Lance goes to fight King M. for Queen G.

BUT I STILL DON'T KNOW WHO THE LADY IS!!!!

I feel like there is this whole backstory about Lance and Queen G. and this mysterious lady that I'm just not privy too and it's pissing me off. Like, I want to know all the dirty details about what's going on but I feel like I'm missing a huge chunk of the story. I KNEW I should have taken Dr. MB's  Arthurian class! 

I'm not off to a good start with this story. Hopefully it will get better but for now: